God and Chocolate

This week has forced me to face a few emotional trials in my life.  Like I almost always do when I am feeling unsure or concerned even let down and depressed, I pray. I pray , then I crank up the Christian music, and the hunt begins.  Tonight it actually involved several people and finally a great friend came to my aid. During these breakdowns, which are rare, I need Chocolate. I mean I NEED Chocolate. ( BTW thanks Jen for saving me tonight!) The problem is I am trying very hard to keep sweets out of the house, so in my time of need, there was something of a hunt. After it all settled and I had my music and chocolate I had one of those memories. The ones where the smells and sounds take you back to another place and time. Into the wilderness, where the darkness first found you, For me I smell the hand sanitizer and alcohol, mixed with mascara and the dust from Kleenex.

The day I was told about the cancer I went straight to my WOW CD, a box of Kleenex, and chocolate. I didn't want to talk to people, or be touched. I just wanted to get through these first hours and those are the smells. For the record, I am unable to sit next to a box of Kleenex without feeling that day all over. That Monday. Sitting in the office, the blackness, then a moment in the van on the way home, like snippets of time. They are not fluid memories, Being forced to tell neighbors long before I was prepared, Snippets of time. minutes inside of moments. I didn't want to tell people because then it would be real.

But my then husband, seeking his own comfort, immediately climbed out of the car and made a beeline for a neighbor. In all honestly that was the first time in my journey I felt so completely betrayed. I know he needed comfort though. Next rushing to tell my son, Again feeling betrayed. I needed a moment. The world spinning out of control. Feeling like I was tilted on my axis. But there is was on the coffee table in the little Walgreen's bag. God and Chocolate. I had purchased some of the elixir all women know well, and a book of daily devotionals. I had to get out of my head and this was how I would do it. The music fit perfectly, some gave me strength and some made me cry. Some of the devotional did the same thing. But I allowed myself to go there privately. Not in public, though, never in public. I allowed my son see me to grieve so he knew it was OK to feel bad, but only to a point. I shut down.

Everyone seemed to know, I got endless pity. Oh the pity. If you ever want to feel utterly useless and without value, get a dose of pity. Why did the cashier need to know that I had cancer? The woman at the Dress shop? Everyone. I never had a choice, I just wanted to be invisible. I started walking and then running,on the treadmill music blasting, all the while eating my chocolate. It was a strange little peace I got. For those moments I was the toughest chick in town. I could handle anything. Seriously try it one day. God and Chocolate.

Which brings me back to tonight. I can still not sit around a box of Kleenex, I can still smell the dust! The music is fading the milk duds have seen their last, and I am feeling strong. My prayers as always have been ever heard. The well is never really dry is it? With prayer and and faith, some loud worship music, and here I am A warrior continuing her fight. A single mother who was feeling alone in the world. Crying over something  I wont remember next month. In some ways alone , but in many others I am surrounded by friends and family.  Oh , and don't forget , a little God and Chocolate.