Let me start by saying that I am grateful to be alive. Even more I intend to live everyday I get in some way that is consciously more involved and aware than the day before. However, there is a real trend developing with high expectations about what survivorship looks like. With survivorship on an upswing (thank goodness), more than ever we are starting to look at survivors with a "what's next" attitude. I think it's really a fantastic thing that we have this problem. More survivors is always a good thing, second only to less cases to begin with. There is this idea that after you face your death head on and live, there must be some greater purpose. As a survivor there can be a lot of pressure to do something profound. There is this idea that you need to find a deeper meaning and purpose in your life. I agree, when faced with something like this it is a great idea to re-evaluate your life and choices. Let me tell you what I went through though, as well as, many people I have known.
SO. As I have been telling you my story this is jumping ahead a little but its been on my heart after several people I know have really experienced major episodes of depression, of heartache, even in one case a lovely person who talked about feeling like a failure for not doing more. When I questioned this my sweet friend explained that she was getting a lot of comments that she should be talking to people or advocating, or something more to give back. My heart was in a vise. I have been there. Feeling run ragged trying to keep up when I wasn't even whole yet, on a plane more than the ground because I didn't want other women to ever find themselves in my shoes. Not because of a lack of information. So I stumped my way across the country. I do not regret it. not one second. That said, I would love to talk to that woman who worked like her feet were on fire and tell her what I know now. Well This is what I would say.
Sit down. Take time to breath. Read a book. Sleep. These things are just as vital to survival as chemo, radiation, surgery and the like. There will be time to talk. There will be plenty of opportunities to "give back", and to use your voice. Its hard to rest when you feel like you have something to say. When you feel like you have a cause, a passion, a mission, you want to power through. Cancer picked a fight with me and I was fighting back. I wouldn't sit for it. Not for even a moment. Sounds great, a survivor full of passion, full of fire fighting against the bully. Unfortunately, I had not really taken the time to rest. I had no intention of allowing myself to wallow in the dispare I felt. I cant really explain why I found this so hard, it was like I was a failure if I let myself grieve for all I had lost. Well I was very wrong.
I know now that the universe has a way of putting you in your chair and taking a time out. My body needed time to rest and become as whole as it would ever be again. why didn't I listen. When women have children they tell you it will take your body almost a year to really return to its original pre-maternal condition. So why did I not realize that when my body was dissected, pulled apart that it might take some time before it was normal. Add to that, the mental and emotional side effects that come after cancer and its treatment. I keep a sense of humor about it but its not all fun and games. At the end of the day I am still here fighting healing and learning to thrive.
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